Saw my therapist again after a long respite on Tuesday.  I had been in such a wonderful place for so long that I didn’t feel the need.  However, I began to experience irritation at strange things, so thought, “Better call LeeAnn!”

We went to a Nuggets game, one of our favorite activities, on Valentine’s Day.  The guys sitting behind us talked, loudly, throughout the game, about everything and anything BUT the game.  I heard them say that someone had given them tickets, so it was obvious that they didn’t care about watching.  Nothing stopped them, even my nasty looks! 

We had to leave the game early because I was experiencing some breathing difficulties.  So, the entire evening was a disappointment.

Another problem I am having is that the smell of food is often repugnant to me.  I fail to understand it, but it is nauseating.  I cannot help but wonder if these two factors are related to the fact that I am unable to speak and eat.

At any rate, the visit to LeeAnn was productive and satisfying, as always.  She is very knowledgeable, having extensive experience with ALS patients and their families.  I asked her about Hospice. 

I want to have all the information I need to make wise decisions.  Perhaps the most difficult part of this journey is knowing that my illness and resultant decline, is making people I love so very sad.  My husband, and my children, particularly.  But I know that this is part of life, and so I must accept the fact that I am fortunate to be so loved.  Many friends following this blog are sad, as well.

If I could wave a magic wand and have any of my wishes come true, my first wish would be that everyone who loves me and those who follow this blog would endeavor to be in the present moment, love themselves and their beloveds.  They would appreciate each gift that life brings and maintain a forgiving soul.

So much time in our lives is wasted in anger, regret and depression.  I pray that I am an example of living and appreciating the present moment, knowing that we have no control over the past, or the future.  It is said that ‘People plan and God laughs.’

I am interested in gathering as much information as I am able, in order to be prepared for the future.  However, abiding by my own advice, I am aware that I have no control.  My fate is in God’s hands.  Recent developments reinforce that awareness.

As my diaphragm muscles deteriorate, I am needing to use the bi-pap more often.  How rapidly this will progress is unknown, but, as this happens, I must accept that I am inching toward the day when I am told that only a tracheostomy and ventilator will keep me alive.  And, that is the point where I shall say, “No more.”

In acceptance, there is peace.  For those of you dear readers, who follow these posts, you know that  I have a spiritual belief system that tells me that the soul never dies, and that we will come back in another incarnation in order to learn more.  The goal is to become more spiritual and more like God.  My belief system is based on Ernest Holmes teachings, in the Science of Mind, and Emanuel’s book.

While my faith is strong, some days are really difficult, like today.  A trip to my acupuncture doctor was disappointing.  As I drove to his office, I had a major saliva attack in the car.  My salivary glands continue to produce and the difficulty I have swallowing makes it hard to manage.  I have a machine at home that works like the one at the dentist’s office.  However, I can never predict when one of these attacks will occur (I have had three, so far).  Only one has occurred while I am at home.

Dr. Gao was concerned to find me very weak.  He told me that he would not use many needles today because it is not advisable when the patient is too weak.  I had difficulty breathing while lying on the table, even though I was propped up on pillows, so my treatment was cut short.

I struggle to find a balance as I write truthfully, about my experience.  I do not want to linger with the negative, but I do want to be honest.  Perhaps it is best to simply admit that this is very hard and I am getting very weary.  At the same time, I am grateful for all the support I have; a loving husband, wonderful children, great grandkids and countless loyal friends. 

As I pray for courage and inner strength, I am aware that Sunday is my seventieth birthday.  It has been an interesting life.

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